Something unexpected..

Many of my friends and family have been experiencing some form of unexpected trauma in their lives. I have been grieving for them and the losses, or the changes going on in their lives. I was feeling grateful that my life is relatively calm. THAT is when the "proverbial rug" gets pulled out from under me when I start to feel a little bit too comfortable with the way my life is going and what I am doing.

Yesterday I took a leap into the abyss. I finally went to the ENT - Ear, Nose and Throat specialist here in MV. I am not too happy with the results. I was diagnosed with Spasmodic Dysphonia I suppose I should be happy its not throat cancer, or any type of cancer. I should be happy that this is not life threatening and I am not in any pain atm. Spasmodic Dysphonia is a neurological condition that causes the vocal cords to become tight and it is literally a forced action to speak. It ruins lives for those that have a job that is heavy with acting, singing, sales man.. etc... ok lets be truthful its ruins the lives of everyone that has it. WHY? Because talking is hard.. its like trying to walk against a strong wind. People cannot understand what you are saying because your voice is cracking, breaking, stops in the middle of a sentence you are trying to say. People are like what? Why go out into the world and talk when other people cannot understand.

My brother Travis experienced this horrible condition for 18 years. 18!!! His voice was so terrible I had a hard time understanding him. He had botox shots in his throat and it was not helping him anymore. He understands what this is like. We were talking yesterday on the phone, and he and I concluded he blazed the trail for me. I may go see Dr. Berke, the Physician that performed the surgery on Trav to get his voice back. I don't know..its a scary surgery too. They clip your nerves from the vocal chords, and replace them with new nerves. HOW do I know if its right for me? Should I try Botox shots?

I am wondering why this has decided to be a part of my life? Am I supposed to help someone too? What is the purpose of this being a part of my struggle in life? I don't know. I know that God knows. I want to cry and eat chocolate! But I know that I just need to Cowboy Up... and be brave.

more later on this...